There's things that I don't even talk about Cause I'm to afraid to admit them myself And I have worked so hard to fix my brain and to patch up the damage done to my mental health Cause my thoughts are like ashes easily made and easily broken But they'll cover everything in darkness Leaving you dirty and broken I sit around in my apartment alone and empty, what makes it worse is I remember my memories How you took up space in my bed And you were apart of me, but now just pictures in my head I fight off thoughts of sadness like the devil beats his wife, scream just hit me one more time and I'll fucking end my life I'm unhappy and that's the most honest truth about me, I can't make up these words without a single shred of honesty So when I'm alone in my room, I leave some room just for you Theres and empty place on my bed, and it stays transparent like the dead But I'm so sick and tired of being alone, so sick and tired of coming home, to nothing but a room so loud with silence its haunting Filling my life with objectifying sex, that doesn't do me any good but put my heart to the test And I'd make more changes but I'm still trying to find a will to live, there's barely enough hope in me left to give I can't decide if its worth trying to punish myself anymore, most times when I do I end up blackout on the bathroom floor Dealing with addictions and correcting my wrongs, trying to be this depiction of someone I once portrayed in a song If dying is my only way out then I guess that's my only weapon, so I'll do it fast and beat the devil cause I can't stand to be like him There's so many ways to exit this place, but they all end with stopping my heart rate And I'd do it but I'm also so intimately afraid, I'm scared of the other side like its my bills that haven't been paid Raised in a home and taught strictly about God, and the only way my love is worth anything is if its righteous and fought Rejecting my families teachings and trying to find my own path, getting myself feeling lonely and wishing for death Now the thought keeps crossing my mind more than once a day, like its a chore I need to do but keep putting off to the next day Pushing people out the door and asking them to go away, so next time I push someone out I'll put my hand in the way I'll close the door on them and hope the pain hurts me, reminding me the pain I'm gonna feel when I'm back to being lonely Cause the pain of losing someone is something like a reminder, you can't just disappear and expect them to put on blinders Cause I need something to help me feel ok I need someone to be there everyday So make me into an ocean so you will come see me for vacation Make me into a television to distract you when you're falling to much emotion Make me into a curtain and you can close them on me when I become a burden